Dead End

My little heart is pumping blood through my veins.

I can tell by the red tips of my fingers.

Suddenly numbness spreads through my body.

My hands are turning white.

I can feel nothing now.

Water drops from my eyes.

And there is a void deep in my stomach.

What does this mean?

Why is it happening?

Looking in the mirror, I see nothing.

My image has been obscured by a black veil.

Slowly through it, emerges a figure.

She is surrounded by many faceless bodies.

Her eyes are crinkled and face etched with laugh lines.

I blink and the image disappears.

Now there the girl stands again, quite alone.

No hint of a smile lurking around the corners of her lips.

The girl turns and starts walking away.

But thereupon she stops.

She has come to a dead end.

And It All Started With a Big Bang

The Big Bang Theory is one of the few shows that you like watching over and over again simply because you cannot get enough of it. The fun, the laughter, the nonsensical blabbering of the four main characters (Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj) and the realistic, street smart presence of Penny- are just a few things that get you hooked to the show. Even though the show is science related and revolves around the ‘physicality’ of things, it is not the usual boring scientific stuff we see on telly and change the channel. It brings in the element of comedy and renders it impossible for people to not like the show and the adorable Sheldon Cooper and Penny. It is the kind of show where I’d like to sit in front of the television with a bowl of pop corns in hand and leave all my worries outside the room. Sheldon and Penny are my two favourite characters on the show and it is an absolute treat to watch them.

Sheldon mostly baffles you with his brilliance and pomp but there are also moments when he shows some signs of being a normal human being rather than a robot with skin on it. His friends are his world, which is something since he hardly knows people other than Leonard, Raj and Penny who are his friends and Howard whom he considers to be an acquaintance. Jim Parson, who plays the character of Sheldon, is simply outstanding when it comes to delivery of dialogues and expressions. When the name ‘Sheldon’ is mentioned, his image springs up in my mind with him doing Spock’s hand gesture for peace and harmony. The very fact that he uses extremely complex terms for explaining something as simple as food makes him annoyingly hilarious and cute. In an episode where their house was broken into, he wrote a journal entry which sounded like a movie script! Though he can be an arrogant pig when it comes to the aptness of his knowledge in front of his fellow scientists, he can be equally sweet and caring when they are in trouble. One episode where Penny falls in the bath tub and dislocates her shoulder, he did as much as driving her to the hospital and sang “soft kitty” to put her to sleep! He is one character who can make you forget your woes when he’s with you, taking you to his apartment 4A in Pasadena, California and bombarding you with himself. He can dazzle you with his brilliance and baffle you with his bullshit at the same time.

Penny is another character whom I really like, more so because she is realistic in almost every way and gives the image of any regular girl walking down the street, unlike the other four nerds who seem to have come from an alien planet altogether. Though at first she might come across as a dumb blonde girl who cares only about her clothes and shoes, which is more because she is surrounded by four other extra smart and nerdy geeks, she is a street smart woman who can beat even the brightest minds with her simple words. She can really take you for a ride when she is up to it and even has the ability to shut Sheldon up which is an achievement in itself. One thing she does well is showing her feminine side which sometimes borders on motherly instincts. Whenever one of her friends is in trouble or is troubled by something, she always takes it upon herself to make things right for him/her, even introducing the concept of slumber parties to the likes of Amy Farrah Fowler who is Sheldon’s equally geeky and nerdy ‘girl-who-is-a-friend’.

The other three characters are equally funny and interesting but Sheldon and Penny take the cake. It is even believed that the show is a big success mainly because of these two. Leonard is a smart and intelligent and provides sense to the show by being the most normal character. Howard is an engineer, is perpetually horny and is always dressed in 80’s style clothes which could be because he lives with his mother who controls him like a two year old. Raj is an Indian and though he belongs to a very wealthy Indian family, he constantly shows himself and his country as poor. This is perhaps the only thing in the show that I do not like. These five friends spend their time together and have a schedule of what they do every night. Oh and yes, they have an undying passion for comics and know the history of each hero by heart.

This show can make you laugh when you are down in the dumps and going through the most pathetic days. It takes you away from all your worries and for those twenty minutes you think of nothing but Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, Raj and Penny. This could also be because they speak abnormally fast and talk about scientific stuff you don’t generally think about and so you have to be extra vigilant. Last week when nothing seemed to be going right for me and there was no reason to even crack a smile, I saw an episode of The Big bang Theory. Since that day I watch at least two episodes every night just to wake up with a good feeling the next day. As Sheldon says, “BAZINGA!”

Exam-o-phobia

It's indeed that time of the year, when everything seems to be way more interesting than what should be interesting then. No matter how much you love the subject you've taken up or how much you motivate yourself, you'll surely groan whenever the word 'exams' comes to your mind. I personally do a lot of groaning when it comes to this. I've not been blessed with an ultra receptive mind nor with the capability of acing every exam. Yet I do not feel motivated enough to study. I talk to my friend about it; tell her how I'm not able to fully realize how deep I'm buried in shit and plead for some sort of motivation. The poor girl does all she can to uplift my spirits: sends motivational texts, scolds me, tells me how pathetic it would be if all others pass and I fail, what my parents will think of me, how I'll be able to face myself (really?) so on and so forth. But alas, nothing works. I'm back to square one after an entirety of fifteen minutes. What could possibly be the reason behind this mental malfunctioning?

As I put up this question, I realize that it is not tough to come up with an answer since I already have at least 3 on top of my mind. How fascinating! Is this what really happens with everybody or is it just me? That even after knowing the cause of a problem we continue living with it rather than trying to cure it? That we are so hopelessly shameless that nothing matters anymore? Well for the benefit and enlightenment of the reader, I shall put forth some reasons that are floating lazily on the surface of my brain.

When I sit down to study I am suddenly flooded with thoughts and memories of episodes that took place long back (and I mean almost a year), recent events that have even the slightest impact on me or no impact at all even, some songs which I never used to hear before but now they continuously keep buzzing in my head and not to mention the thought of that certain someone (yes, one major hazard of being a girl I guess) continuously plaguing my mind. And once I start thinking, I am lost for a good hour or two. Sometimes I replay the entire conversation in my head, sometimes only the memorable parts. Oh, and many a times it so happens that I start thinking of a certain t.v show and end up playing an entire episode in my head. Now this has to qualify me as a retard. Many times my sister walks into the room to find me staring stupidly at the opposite wall with a slight smile on my face. The look on her face then surely says that I am a retard. Also, when I think of that certain person, I tend to think in detail; i take in every single smile, every smirk, every word uttered etc etc. So naturally it takes up time. And when it comes to matters such as these, all reason vanishes and only stupid feelings and emotions are left to float in.

The thing to notice here is that there is too much thinking going on. The mind is continuously churning some thought or the other, not necessarily pleasant ones. This has to have something to do with my doing Literature, a course that forces us to think and think in every way possible. Sometimes even over think things. This mind won't let me rest, or rather study. In hours not a single word of the text is comprehended as much as random thoughts are. Oh you troublesome, troublesome mind!

It is no joke when I say that I feel extra sleepy before and during exams. And I'm not alone in this, the same motivational friend feels so too. My theory is that since we study more before and during exams our brain works more and obviously gets tired. Now it also requires time to rest and recharge itself, does it not? It is another matter entirely that I don't study so much in the first place that my brain should get tired. The only explainable reason then seems to be that the brain gets tired even when we think random stuff. So naturally for it to work properly later on we need to give it some rest. Also, everything seems so much more delightful: those kids shrieking and playing in the park, that continuous music provided by cars and bikes passing by, the person at the door etc etc. Even cooking and cleaning utensils seems to be a pleasant task then. Oh, but I would never move my lazy self from my bed to do all this. Exams are the perfect time to play Bluff with your parents. Since I need to utilize my time studying, I can obviously not go and do all the domestic work, can I? Besides, exams give a reason to log in to Facebook every five minutes. As I have to constantly look up information regarding my texts, I easily while away time on Facebook checking out new pictures that have been put up, status updates, playing silly games and posting on the profile walls.

The fact that I am sitting here writing this random blog entry instead of studying for exams alone talks of my exam-o-phobia.

The Difficulty of Being Human

Sometimes you reach your saturation point after which taking anything becomes unbearable and impossible. Sometimes you have to give back what you get, whether good or bad, it makes no difference. Sometimes something so sinister happens that you are forced to change your view of the world. Sometimes the person you trust the most is the one who disappoints you the most. And sometimes the one person who always seems to be a disappointment, makes the world seem right again with only a smile, a gesture.
Sometimes it is hard to find a reason for living and going on with your mundane routine . Sometimes you want to give it all up and let yourself fall away into nothingness where no feeling, no emotion, no happiness, no hurt can touch you.
But then again, are you even living? This is the world of the living. And it comes with the package.
Always.

The Unintended Crime

There was a loud crash from the kitchen which resonated throughout the house. The crash ensued a silence so tangible that you could cut with a knife. A minute later a woman could be heard sobbing from inside the kitchen.

Vipin went in quickly, followed by his daughters and saw his wife sitting on a stool with her head in her hands and shaking uncontrollably. On the floor the milk was flowing in an abstract shape, making its way under the refrigerator on one side and into the small drain under the sink on the other. Vipin kept staring at his wife for a few seconds after which he let out a sigh and went over to her side, careful to avoid spoiling his new shoes. He put a hand on her shoulder and soothingly said in a hoarse voice, “Come now Parul, it is just milk. No need to take so much tension and worry yourself sick. It’s ok, come now.”  Parul looked up at her husband, her face streaked with tears and eyes red. She shook her head, mumbled an inaudible apology and hurried out of the room, patting her elder daughter Nupur on her way out. Vipin looked at his beloved daughters, gazing at them intently.

How could he prevent another disaster from happening? How could he stop his own mind from being flooded with doubts and uncertainty?  Hadn’t last time been quite similar? Hadn’t all their preparations gone down the drain just like the milk on the floor? Could he possibly stop four sets of expectations from breaking?

He put a smile on his face and ushered them out of the kitchen, asking the maid to clean the mess. He sent both his daughters in their room to get ready as it was almost time for the prospective groom’s family to arrive. He looked around the living room once again, making sure there was nothing out of its place. He went into his room where he found Parul sitting in front of the mirror combing her hair yet again. “Parul, we need to control ourselves now. We can’t just let our apprehensions break Nupur’s morale. We do not want it to turn out to be a disaster like last time, do we?” Parul nodded and took in a deep breath and let it out noisily, putting on a smile and going over to her daughters in the next room. “Nupur are you ready now? Let me see how my princess is looking today. Ahh, beautiful! Megha, fetch my kajal from my room.”

The door bell rang shrilly and made everybody jump. For a fraction of a second there was no sound nor any movement. Then Vipin cleared his throat and walked rigidly to the door. He waited for his wife to come and stand behind him and then finally opened the door.

“Welcome, welcome! Please come in Aggarwal ji, please come in. Namaste bhabhi ji, please come in.”

“How are you Jain sahab, hope everything is well and good” replied the groom’s father. He sat on the largest sofa with his wife on one side and his son on the other. His eyes moved around the living room, taking in every inch of the place. Things seemed to have met his approval as he grinned at Vipin and enquired about his ailing father. There was a concentrated silence, in between which the women of both the families smiled at each other and the men cleared their throats. Vipin took this opportunity to take in his prospective son-in-law. Medium height, lean body and average looks- his own daughter was definitely more handsome. The boy was pursuing his MBA in marketing and had left his job to “study properly” for his upcoming exams. He could not help thinking that Nupur was already working with a well established consultancy firm. The boy’s father had maintained that they wanted a quick wedding.

Parul was making small conversations with the boy’s mother enquiring about their family, whether they lived jointly or separately. The conversation dissolved into silence again and so Vipin asked his wife to bring some snacks and tea. After a short interval when Parul returned with their maid carrying a tray laden with snacks and a pot of hot steaming tea, Vipin asked her to bring Nupur out as well.

“Please wait a second, Jain sahab, what’s the hurry? Let’s talk first” contravened the boy’s father.

“Ok, as you wish Aggarwal ji, no issues” pat came the reply from the girl’s father.

“Jain sahab, we come from a well to do and prestigious family. We have relatives spread across half of India and some even live abroad. Everybody would come for the wedding as he is our only son, much loved by everybody in the family.”

Vipin nodded his head to everything he said, his mind already racing way ahead. He knew what was coming, knew what expectations they had. He also knew what the conclusion of this would be. He kept quiet and listened to them. Parul on the other hand was wringing her hands and fidgeting every two seconds. She had a haggard look on her face that screamed for mercy.

The boy’s father went on with his speech about his family holdings, their rich relatives, and the number of cars in their family, his son’s prospective earnings and their family name. All this while Vipin maintained a calm and indifferent front and let Aggarwal go on with his ramblings. He knew the end result of this conversation and expected nothing else now. He knew, despite his repeated enquiries and his wife’s repeated prayers that this was going to be like the last meeting. There was no hope. By now Vipin had learnt to not let his hopes soar high.

“So Jain sahab, what do you have to say?”

Vipin folded his hands, looked straight in the eyes of the man in front of him and said “I am a small man Aggarwal ji...” 

A Note

So here's a note dedicated to you.
I've known you for over a year now and during this time I learnt a lot, about you and about people in general. We always remained friends no matter what. Blames and fights, happiness and smiles, we have shared practically everything in this one year. But recently things were not as good as we would have liked them to be. Listening to our story being repeated between two other people and understanding it in totality for the first time, I realize I was not as right as I had thought. I have been the one making the decisions and you accepted them. I goofed up many times. But now my mind is clear. Now when everything is over and things have changed forever, I am neither bitter nor happy. I simply want to take this opportunity to apologize for all that I did and wherever I have been wrong.
I am sorry.
A great person you are and a great friend you have been. I am perfectly at peace now, after telling you what I just realized. To you, a well deserved thanks! :)

The Choice Is Yours

A thirst for books, an undying love for various characters and a desire to be buried under books always- this is what drives many students to take up English Literature after school. I am one of them. But before I reached my decision and was firm that I would do Literature, I was confused and in doubt. Not because I doubted my love for the subject or thought I would not do well, but because I knew how the world would react and how they would look at me. These are my true thoughts and feelings. The reaction I got from people when I told them I was sitting for the entrance exam was a trailer of what I’d be getting later on. When people would ask me what I planned to do, I’d tell them I am preparing for Bachelor of Business Studies and they would exclaim loudly and say “that is a very good course”. But then I would add that I’m also preparing for the English entrance exam, they would say “oh, you want to be a teacher?” in a dry voice, with a smirk. Or if not that then they would say in a dismissive voice “what can you do further after English.” They feared I’d have no choices in/for the future except thankless minimalistic jobs.

A point came when I thought I’d do B.Com and be done with it, life ahead would be all set and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Then the cut offs came and when my parents asked me if I was sure about B.Com, I said no and told them I wanted to do Literature. And they didn’t argue with me, they didn’t question my decision. They knew where my interests lay and what would make me happy. And I took admission in the course I wanted.  They supported me. Thankfully.

Now I am not worried about those people and their thinking. I am not concerned with what they say about my future because now I know those people don’t know anything. Anyone who is half educated would know that in today’s world there is no longer that question of what one will you do in the future. Anybody and everybody can survive out there. If people are unaware of what the world has evolved into nowadays, then they have no right to poke their elongated noses in these affairs. An educated person who has done a course in literature can easily earn more than those who start at the basic level in some management related job. There are various avenues open for literature students- MBA , advertising, public relations, language related jobs, journalism (print and electronic), editing, university teacher, school teacher, translation and interpretation after learning another language, web designing and creative writing- to name a few. 

Now I really have to say- I’m spoilt for choices.

;-) :D

P.S: To be honest I don't understand why one job is looked down upon and the other one highly revered. Every job is a form of work and work requires energy and power (both mental and physical). So why is it such a bad thing if one earns less than the other? I agree money is a VERY important factor but is not the ONLY factor. If you are happy doing doing what you like and enjoy it, you have more than just those revered green notes. You are content and happy and enjoy life while working. The choice is obviously yours.